Rushwavefrom the book Why I Love God
3: God Breaks My Hardened Heart
I continued in my defiance of God, boldly asserting my atheistic views and defending evolution, disregarding the fact that He had graciously saved my life. But while I was still a sinner He lovingly pursued Me even though I had denied Him, rebelled against Him, thought evil of Him, spoke against Him, and was ungrateful. Yes, even before I was born, God had sent His Son to die for me knowing full well what a rebellious, defiant, blasphemous person I would be.
It was not until I was on another mountain spending time in contemplation that I came to call on the name of the Lord. I was all alone in an isolated, remote location. The sun was setting, and from a human perspective it was all quite picturesque. But things were in no way picturesque for me, and I actually do not like remembering or talking about the experience preceding my calling upon the Lord. For I knew with absolute certainty I was separated from God. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was a sinner. I was fully aware that my works warranted judgment. And I knew — I intimately knew — that darkness, utter darkness, isolation, and separation from God awaited me on account of my sins. I was under exceedingly great conviction, and the guilt and weight of my own sins were ever before me.
That conviction of sin was God calling me to Himself. And when He called, He was not asking for my good works; I had none to give, and as scripture says all my righteous deeds were as disgusting as a decaying corpse or filthy menstrual rag. He was not asking me to make a solemn vow or adopt some new resolutions to be a good person; I had broken promises before, and such promises would not be faithfully kept anyway. He was not even asking me to try and be a good person; I could not faithfully fulfill such a high moral obligation, and my notions of right and wrong were all distorted anyway. Nor was He asking me to vow, resolve or commit to live a life of obedience and submission to His Son Jesus Christ as Lord; it did not lie within me to keep such a promise. No, God was not asking any of these things from Me, for He knew I was completely and utterly morally bankrupt.
So God had finally brought me to the place where He had broken my strong will and defiance of Him. I was under great conviction of sin, and as I have pointed out He was not looking for my good works, commitments, resolutions or the like. So what did He want? What did He require from me to secure His gracious forgiveness? If good works, noble commitments, full submission to His Lordship, and moral resolutions were not what He was looking for, what did He want?
from the book Why I Love God
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